Real talk: there’s a good chance you’re going to cry on your wedding day. Many people are afraid of this happening because they don’t want to mess up their make-up. They’ve sat in the make-up chair for hours so they can look perfect. And then here comes those pesky tears of joy from marrying the person they love more than anything! Streaking down their face and smearing their eyeliner! Emotions, ruining everything, as usual!
But really, crying on your wedding day should be accepted and embraced. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. In fact, you should be crying! You’re not a robot. Let those tears roll! A wedding is both a culmination of your entire relationship up until this point, and a new beginning. Think of it like the series finale to Cheers. Sure, one chapter is closing. But its spin-off Frasier is right around the corner. Standing at the altar is the perfect moment for this kind of catharsis. Here are some tricks and tips to help.
Cool Handkerchiefs – Send a signal to everyone in your wedding party and to your guests: Crying is good and allowed. Supply them with funny or emotional handkerchiefs to prepare. We know what you’re thinking: “What about my gruff Uncle Larry? He’s a stern, blank-faced cowboy. The last time he expressed emotion was 1991, when his hat fell off and he got rather upset.” We got you covered. Even old Uncle Larry will be put into a crying mood.
There are some handkerchiefs available that say things like “No Ugly Crying” or “For Happy Tears.” If you can, you could even have your own words embroidered onto the handkerchiefs. “Tear Towel”, “Let It All Out, Uncle Larry”, “Who’s Cutting Onions?”, whatever you want.
Tear Catching Strategy – You’ll still want to try to leave as much of your make-up intact as possible. To do this, you gotta be fast. Catch those tears before they leave the corner of your eyes. You’ll want to blot/dab (not dabbing as in the dance move, although you can also do that if you want.) Don’t wipe at your eyes, or else you’ll risk smudging your make-up.
We spent thousands of dollars making a scientifically and mathematically exact Tear Catching Optimization Diagram, with precise measurements for the perfect angle, blotting pressure, and timing to catch tears as quickly and efficiently as possible. But our intern accidentally threw it away, so you’ll just have to figure that out for yourself. (Thanks a lot, Derek!!)
Hiding Spots – As far as we know, most wedding dresses don’t have pockets. You’ll want to hide your handkerchief in your bouquet for easy access. This avoids the comical yet ostentatious pulling-a-handkerchief-from-your-cleavage pitfall. Stashing it in the bouquet is more discreet, so you can pull that sucker right out with the swipe of one hand. There IS often a decorative handkerchief on the groom’s outside suit jacket pocket, but you’ll want to make sure your husband has a more useful one also stored in his inner pocket for you (and for himself.) If he’s self conscious about possibly crying, just tell him it’s for his “nervous sweats.”
Note: If either you or your spouse is a professional magician, this tip doesn’t apply to you. You can pull a handkerchief out from wherever you choose, since you can do witchcraft. See how many you can fit behind the officiant’s ears.
Bonus Tip – We cannot ignore the possibility that your marriage is a sham. We see right through you: You’re caught up in an elaborate plot to marry an aristocrat or foreign royalty, in an attempt to get your hands on their tremendous fortune. And that’s ok! But you’ll need to cry real tears at the altar to really sell it, and that might be difficult if you don’t have feelings for this person. We recommend thinking really hard about the ending of E.T. or Titanic. Or any sad movie should do. As long as it gets those tears flowing and the Baron isn’t suspicious. Get that money!
With these tips, you and your whole wedding party will be ready to have a nice, long cry. Few things are more powerful than a large amount of people weeping together. We hope you get to experience this. May your marriage be ten times as fun-filled and emotionally satisfying as even the best episodes of Frasier!