Wedding Crashers: It’s not just a DVD you’ve had for 20 years. It’s also a very real problem.
Every weekend, these vultures descend upon reception venues across the country. They chug
seven elaborate cocktails from the open bar and don’t tip. They ask the DJ to play songs you
don’t like. And when asked “Who are you?” the best lie they can come up with is “Uhhh…I’m the bride?”
But as your wedding day approaches, you need not live in fear of such villains. We’ve spent a
thousand hours in the gym, watching kung-fu movies, cartoons, and wrestling matches on the
treadmill TV while walking 1.6 miles per hour. In our research, we’ve discovered the top four
moves for you to use against wedding crashers and other obnoxious guests!
The Wedding Crasher Crusher
The most effective way to neutralize a wedding crasher is to hit them with the crusher. First,
get on the ropes. If your venue is not equipped with wrestling arena ropes, maybe use a balcony or one of the DJ’s speakers. Spread your arms and legs wide like you’re a beautiful sugar glider about to take wing. When your target is within range, launch yourself onto their unsuspecting head. They’ll be squashed flat like a pancake. Then have your maid of honor scrape the now disc-shaped invader off the floor with a giant spatula and deposit him onto the parking lot.
Will the wedding crasher be okay? Probably, but this is not your problem.
The Mildly Annoyed Kangaroo
Let’s say you paid for wedding photography and videography, yet your uncle’s date still wants
to film the whole ceremony with her oversized, bedazzled phone. (She’s a lifestyle vlogger and can’t help herself.) Her filming gets in the way of the professionals and blocks the view for other guests. You’re about to walk down the aisle, so she must be stopped – now.
This is when you use the Mildly Annoyed Kangaroo flying kick.
Get a running start until you hit some sort of ramp, such as a ringbearer who’s bending down
to tie his little shoe. You are now airborne. Adjust your arms for maximum aerodynamic
efficiency, and imagine your haunches are those of a jumping marsupial. When your foot makes contact with your uncle’s date’s phone (be careful not to scuff your shoes – this is your day), simply grab the phone from mid-air and slip it into the secret pouch sewn into your dress.
Once you’ve returned to the ground, you can confidently walk down the aisle. Your uncle will be mad at you, even though it’s his fault his date annoyed you mildly enough to bring out your inner kangaroo.
You can try to patch things up by mailing the phone back several weeks later.
Mind Punches
This one’s for the fellas.
If you’re from the country, you have a city cousin who looks exactly like you but is extremely fancy and snooty. If you’re from the city, you have a country cousin who looks exactly like you but is rough-and-tumble and lightly encrusted with dirt.
That’s just real life.
If your doppelgänger cousin annoys you at your wedding, it’s pointless to engage him in
hand-to-hand combat. You’re physically identical; it could only result in a draw.
You have to get psychological.
Here are some ways to trap and demoralize the soft, snobby city version of yourself:
Hand him a power tool, ask him to drive your stick shift truck, introduce him to your horse, make him touch a bit of mud. He’ll be scared, confused, and humbled, quivering in his silk vest.
Or if you’re dealing with the barefoot hillbilly version of yourself: I’m going to be honest, the
odds are stacked against you. Your country cousin has the internet and knows how to dig a
hole. You want my advice? Don’t fight this battle. Just be your passive-aggressive self and enjoy your petit fours.
Coyote Style
There’s a non-zero chance your wedding or reception gets swarmed by a pack of coyotes.
Ah, you might be thinking. My wedding is indoors, in a part of the world where coyotes don’t
commonly live. This doesn’t apply to me. Not so fast! Nature’s beasts are unpredictable, so it’s important to learn how to conquer them all.
I advise you to read on.
It is unfortunately extremely unwise to karate chop a coyote, as your country cousin knows all
too well. Instead of turning to fisticuffs, encourage your guests to make a ruckus, convincing the coyotes this is not a fun place to be. Yell, break glasses and crockery, have your 5-year-old nephew do his favorite loudest scream. This should frighten the coyotes out of the VFW hall that they somehow infiltrated, possibly disguised as catering staff.
Humans can communicate telepathically with wolves but not coyotes, so don’t even bother trying that.
In summary, equipped with these powerful moves, we wish you the best.
